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It’s been several weeks since I last logged onto Buddy Slim.  I notice that some of my buddies have also been inactive for awhile, and there are so many new people who’ve joined the site.  The last time I posted, I was going through some tough times…I had no job, little money, and had to move back in with my family temporarily.  I felt lonely, confused, and had no direction in my life.

Unfortunately, living with my family didn’t help with my weight loss.  In fact, I gained about 10 pounds.  On the one hand, my parents kept reminding me that I should lose weight, but on the other hand, we were constantly going out to eat and there was an abundance of junk food at home.  I realize that’s not a valid reason to spend the month eating terribly; I’m an adult and should take better care of my health.  But after having spent the prior month limiting my calories and exercising regularly, suddenly being in the presence of all my favorite junk foods unleashed the binge-eater in me.  The worst part is that I stopped exercising; it’s always so difficult for me to restart my workouts after I’ve been lazy for so long.

As for updates on my personal life…well, I haven’t found permanent employment or my own place to live, and I’m still confused about my future career.  However, I did make a big decision in my life.  My boyfriend and I have been long-distance for about 18 months now since he’s finishing school in Europe.  He needs to be there for at least the next several years, and the distance has been hard for us.  Since I’m not making progress in my career here anyways, I’ve decided to join him in Europe in November.  My family thinks I’m crazy, and maybe I am…he’s still looking for a job, I’ll have a hard time finding one, and we’ll both be living on our small savings for the first few weeks.  But I feel like now is the time.  I think I’ll personally grow a lot from the experience, and if he and I want to make our relationship work for the longterm, we need to be together.

But enough about that…since I’ll be moving soon, I don’t have my own place to live or a real job, but I’m currently looking after another person’s apartment for the rest of this month.  I love my family, but I think it’ll be good for me to be out of their home, especially if I want to get back into shape!  I also didn’t have regular internet access there which made it impossible to be active on Buddy Slim.  Now that I’ll be joining my boyfriend in a few months, I feel extra motivated to lose weight before the big move.  Of course I want to look nice for him (and me!), but more importantly, I want to establish good eating habits and a regular exercise regime before I move because I know it’ll be too difficult to “learn” the healthy habits there.  It doesn’t help that he loves to eat and has an incredibly fast metabolism.

So my goals: be active on BS again, eat healthy (cut out the excess sugar, starches), drink lots of water, and build up my workout routine again.  I’ll start by walking or biking a few miles each day.

Thanks for reading my long post!  Hopefully, this will be my last “starting over” one =)

* As a warning, this post is long, and it’s more to help me stay accountable (and as a form of self-therapy)…

I’ve been up all night because I literally slept all day and evening after binging on massive amounts amounts chocolate, bread, cheese, cookies, and crackers Sunday morning.  I feel terrible, both physically and mentally.  My eating has been relatively good for the last month, and I thought that I was finally achieving good habits, so I’m feeling rather defeated at the moment.  My stomach also feels like it’s about to explode, and my head is pounding.

I’m still a little shocked that I went on this binge and trying to understand how it happened.  I’ve always had bad eating habits, and even remember compulsively overating as a little girl.  But those moments were occasional.  The eating really became out of control within the last 3 years. 

So Saturday night, I decided to take the time to sit down, reflect upon my life, and finally gain a better understanding of my eating habits, emotional and compulsive overeating, dieting history, etc.  In the past, I had never thought about it carefully, so I thought that’s why my binging was getting worse.  I thought about it for several hours, made some realizations, wrote down many great affirmations and notes, and felt motivated afterward. 

When I woke up Sunday morning, I had planned on grocery shopping for fruits, vegetables, yogurt, and other healthy foods…and I left with the cookies, chocolate, bread, and other items that I binged on all morning.  My binge was fast, furious, and completely mindless.  I didn’t even enjoy the food!  After eating healthy for the last few weeks, the cookies, chocolate, bread, crackers and other junk foods didn’t taste good to me.  I ate it solely to fill myself up as quickly as possible. 

Now that I’ve awaken from my food-induced coma, I feel nauseous and disappointed in myself.  I’ve been trying hard to be good at developing good eating and lifestyle habits, and I was starting to feel proud of myself, but I realize how weak I am.  And I’m also so mad for spending money on junk food.  I’m experiencing some tough financial times at the moment, and I can’t believe I wasted money like this!  I have bills and loans that I’m not even sure I can pay, so why am I using it for cookies and chocolate?  How rational is that!

Anyways, I’m realizing that the missing puzzle piece in my eating (and in my life) is Balance.  Before I didn’t understand or think about my eating patterns, or the triggers that lead me to overeat, so it caused my situation to become worse.  On the other hand, overthinking about it like I did on Saturday didn’t help either.  It set me up for a binge because I was thinking too much about eating/dieting, and I fooled myself into believing that I was mastering my binging problems and old habits.  I wish I could obtain balance in my life right now.  I’m sure we all would.  But I would especially love to achieve balance when it comes to food.  I want to finally reach that point when food doesn’t weigh down my mind and body…when I don’t obsess over it or unneccessarily crave it…when it can finally become my friend rather than something I both hate and love at the same time. 

Well, another Monday and another week.  I’ll now stop dwelling on the past and my weekend mistake, and hope for a better day, better week, and better future….

I’ve been feeling sad, lonely, and tired all day, and thought about ordering pizza for dinner (bad!).  Realizing that I haven’t logged onto Buddy Slim for several days, I quickly came back on and read people’s blogs and booster notes.  It made me feel so much better.  There are so many things in my life that aren’t working out as planned right now, but it’s nice to know that I can always count on Buddy Slim.

I feel guilty for being such a bad buddy and Rockstar…I keep saying that I’ll be better “next week,” but I haven’t lived up to my word.  On the Rockstar forum this past weekend, I mentioned that I just quit my job and was moving out of my apartment.  Well, the new job that I was supposed to start fell through.  So I’m feeling very stressed at the moment.  I need to find a new job, and I’m running low on money.  Since I have to move out of my apartment soon, I’ll be moving into my parent’s home until I can find a new job and afford my own place to live.  Overall, I’ve been feeling pretty depressed.  Not only because of the job and money situation, but also because I’ve been feeling lonely.   None of my close friends live in the area, and my boyfriend is in another country right now. 

Anyways, sorry for being such a downer.  Everyone has been so great, supportive, and motivational, and I want to be the same.  Hopefully I’ll be be able to find another job and apartment soon, and get back on my feet within a matter of weeks.  I wish I could focus more of my time and energy on exercise right now, but it’s not on the top of my priority list at the moment.  I’ll try to be better about blogging and keeping everyone posted on how I’m doing.  Hope everyone is doing well and have a wonderful weekend! 

I’m a big believer that things happen for a reason.  When I joined Buddy Slim several weeks ago, I had just come out of a bad week-long binge and was at my highest weight ever.  I was surfing the web late at night for a support group and stumbled upon this website.  At the time, I was simply looking for weight loss assistance.  My goals were short-sighted, and I was feeling pretty desperate.

Buddy Slim (and the awesome Rockstars!) has definitely helped me to kickstart my new routine of eating healthy and exercising regularly.  I’m very grateful for that.  But this past week, I’ve realized that this site has been more than just a weight loss support group — it’s a LIFE support group.  I’m constantly amazed at the endless amount of unconditional support shown on this site, and people have so much wisdom and love to share.  I learn so much from people’s blogs — I laugh, I cry, I celebrate your successes, I feel your sorrows and angers. 

The last few months in my life have been really stressful, and I now believe that I was brought onto this site because I needed it for emotional support, not just weight loss support.  It’s the middle of the night, and I’m having my 3rd straight week of insomnia and can’t sleep at all because I’ve been feeling very anxious about some things going on in my life right now.  Before Buddy Slim, I would have probably knocked myself out into a food coma with a pint of ice cream, but it feels so therapeutic writing and reading other people’s blogs.  It also feels wonderful knowing that there are so many supportive and caring people out there.  Just wanted to put that out there.  Thank you to all!

First and foremost, I want my buddies to know that I haven’t forgotten about you!  I really do think about you everyday, and I miss having the opportunity to log onto this site on a daily basis.  I’m still reading your blogs and the Rockstar forum, but unfortunately, I haven’t had time to comment and send booster notes. 

As for why I’ve been less active on Buddy Slim, my personal life has been stressful recently, and I’ve been struggling with a lot of important decisions regarding work/career, finances, living situation, relationships…basically everything seems to be at a crossroads right now.  As a result, I haven’t had the time and means to get on to the site everyday, and my mind has been elsewhere.

On the upside, I’ve been pretty good with my eating and exercise.  Normally in times of stress, I binge in order to numb my feelings, but I’m been working very hard to break those bad habits.  Plus, this time around, there are just too many urgent and important decisions to make that I can’t avoid or numb the feelings!  I still have moments when I would love to comfort myself with some chocolate or just lay in bed rather than exercise, but I know that will just make me feel worse.  And I guess it also helps that money is tight right now, so I don’t want to waste money on junk or unhealthy food. 

I’m hoping and praying that things will settle down soon because I really miss being here and being more active on Buddy Slim.  But please know that I’m still thinking of you and wishing you the greatest success, and that I appreciate all of your support!

Hello Buddies,

I haven’t posted in about a week and haven’t had the opportunity to check the site on a daily basis.   For the most part, I’ve been on track with my diet, except for on Saturday which was…bad!   I went to a wedding and made the stupid decision to drink and eat my sorrows away.  When will I learn?  I was very happy for the couple, but seeing some people from my past made me depressed. 

To be honest, my motivation has been lacking these days, but I think much of it stems from my personal life.  I’m unhappy with the state of my career, finances, relationships, and several other things that have been getting me down.  Normally I would turn to food to comfort me, but I realize I can’t do that anymore.  I wish that weight didn’t have to be another issue in my life right now that’s on my mind, but I know that it’s manageable.  I just need to be persistent and patient.  

To my buddies and Rockstars, I apologize for being absent and not posting on the forum or commenting on your blogs.  I haven’t had much time this week, but I promise to be better next week.  I hope everyone is doing well! 

I’ve been thinking about what I should set as a healthy goal weight and looked at some websites and articles on the topic of “ideal weight.”  Depending on the site/article, my ideal weight varies by a large number.  I realize many factors go into the equation, such as age, bone/frame size, muscle mass, gender, etc. so none of these resources may fit to my particular body or needs. 

However, I was wondering how people on BuddySlim have chosen their goal weight.  Are you aiming for a specific BMI for your height?  Body fat percentage?  A weight that you were happy with in the past?  Just curious as I think about mine.

I weighed in today and haven’t lost any pounds since joining BuddySlim.  I’m disappointed in myself, but I’m fully aware that it’s due to my bad eating habits.  I’ll be good during the weekdays, and then slide into binge and lazy mode during the weekends.  Last weekend was particularly bad, especially since it continued until Wednesday, so I’m not surprised that I haven’t made progress.

The good news is that I’ve stayed on track since Thursday and actually survived the weekend!   Weekends have been my downfall, but I carefully planned out my meals on Friday, and I made myself exercise as soon as I woke up.  I wish I didn’t have to wake up early for work because I definitely feel more motivated in the mornings to exercise.  I guess I could wake up at 6am, but that’s not going to happen.  That’s just too early for me!

I saw a Tylenol (for Arthritis) ad on TV that claims every additional pound puts on an extra 4 pounds of pressure on the knees.  That shocked me, but it’s also good to know.  Gives me every more reason to stick to my goals.  Both my parents have knee problems, and I really don’t want to end up in the same boat.  I’m already noticing how hard it is for me to do anything but low impact exercise because of the strain on my knees/joints, but hopefully it’ll get easier soon. 

I originally intended to just blog about my weight loss progress each day, but there’s really not much to report on a day-to-day basis.   So I think I’ll write more about other weight/health related topics and blog about my progress once a week.  For this post, I want to mention an interesting autobiography I read called “The Good Eater” (Ron Saxen). 

Ron Saxen used to have an extreme case of Binge Eating Disorder.  It started when he was a child.  He used food to cope with a difficult home life, and it eventually spiraled out of control.  The interesting thing is that he was a male model at one time in his life.  He went from weighing almost 300 pounds to weighing around 180 in just a matter of months (through very unhealthy means, including starving himself while exercising intensely for several hours each day).  However, within a matter of weeks after receiving his modeling contract, he gained all the weight back due to his binge eating.  I found the book fascinating because he vividly recounts his eating habits, and (sadly) I was able to relate to much of it.  For instance, he talks about planning his binges, including driving from one fast food chain to the next while still thinking about what other junk food he can buy at the grocery store.  He also discusses his mentality about how he’d constantly say that he’d be good starting “tomorrow,” and since tomorrow hasn’t come yet, he may as well binge like crazy today.  I’m embarassed to admit that I’ve done all those things! 

By the way, I’m not promoting this book to everyone.  I personally liked it, but some people may be offended by his constant swearing and some of his detailed descriptions.  Plus, the book doesn’t teach how to recover from binge eating problems.  However, it is an interesting and fast read for anyone who suffers from binge eating.

If anyone wants more info about the book, just let me know!

Some people seemed interested in the mood food I mentioned in my previous post.   Thus, here are some of the other mood foods that were mentioned in the diet book.  As a disclaimer, the book didn’t say that there’s always a clear correlation between cravings and mood, but that certain moods may steer people to certain types of foods.   According to the book, research has shown that there are ties between moods and particular hormones/chemicals in our bodies which may cause cravings (and I’m sure fellow women here can relate, especially during those dreaded PMS moments).   So here it is:

Hard/Crunchy/Tough foods (such as chips and meat) may mean you feel Angry.

Bulky foods (such as pasta or bread) may mean you are Lonely or Sexually Frustrated.

Sugars (such as chocolate) may mean you are Depressed or Sad.

Sweet/Soft foods (like ice cream) may mean you are Anxious.

Salty foods may mean you are Stressed.

I often like sugary foods, but lately I’ve been craving salty and bulky foods, so I am lonely, sexually frustrated and stressed =)  Well, that’s nothing to smile about, but I find this research interesting and somewhat amusing.